I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
