Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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