We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
