I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I have aggressive nipples.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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