My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
