If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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