angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
