Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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