My liver just broke up with me...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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