Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Four minutes until I can fart!
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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