i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
