what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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