i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
And then he peed in my hair
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