Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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