You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
