Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
