I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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