So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
