My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
