He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
