That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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