There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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