did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize