I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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