Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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