There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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