I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
