So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
