you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
