the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize