My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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