She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Soap is not a condiment
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
