Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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