just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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