Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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