I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
