I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
