i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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