Screwed.edu
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
