hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
