"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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