My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
