Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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