I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So squirting runs in the family.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
