Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
