Tell her she can't have a vagina
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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