Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
