I faked an abortion last night.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
