mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
