alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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