At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
