i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize