She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
