my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
