"it" just moved
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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