I only kidnapped one of them. chill
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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