this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
