How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
