Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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