So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
