Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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