Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
