All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
